The past seven months have been so wonderful / difficult / incredible / overwhelming [how do you pick one word to describe the whirlwind of moving to a new place with no plan but also the glory of getting to see the Lord provide over and over again?] Since I moved to Birmingham in August God has done so much in my life and in my heart. It’s so crazy to me that I haven’t blogged at all in that time. Maybe it’s taken seven months of wrapping my head around what God is doing in my heart for me to finally be able to articulate it. Or maybe it’s been seven months of God teaching me to be brave enough to post about my doubts and the things I’m learning.
So deep breath, this is me trying to be brave: For a long time after I moved here I felt like I was stuck in the same cycle of confusion and lostness. Over and over and over and over again, for months and months, I wrote in my journal things like: “Feeling overwhelmed. Feeling lost. Feeling the pressure to decide what to do with the next few months. Feeling the need to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. Not sure what to do or where to go. Wondering how in the world I am going to do what I feel like God is leading me to do.”
I was overwhelmed and confused and lost and in the midst of it all I was desperately trying to remind myself just to trust. My natural response to unknown and waiting is to question the Lord’s plan and even His existence – but Christ calls us to faith. I would write in my journal to myself, “Remember that even though I can’t see and I don’t understand, I still know the character of God. He is good. He is sovereign. He is faithful. He is trustworthy. He is enough.” I didn’t realize it at the time, but a beautiful thing was happening. My feelings of being lost in the unknown were serving to deepen my awareness of being found in Christ. In these troubling months the Lord was instilling in me a more deeply rooted knowledge of who He is.
And through months and months of this desperate seeking and gracious reminding, the Lord taught me to stop searching for purpose and direction and instead to seek His face. He helped me to find rest in the knowledge that He is God. He reminded me that I can have peace because I know that He is peace. I can have confidence because I am assured of who He is. All I need to know is that I believe in His existence and His goodness and His sovereignty.
Those months deepened my trust in so many ways. I learned to trust that the Lord will provide and that He will lead, but more importantly I learned to trust that the Lord is who He says He is. That He is good and faithful and sovereign and holy and worthy and He will direct my life in the path that brings Him the most glory. That regardless of what is happening in my life [or my feeling that nothing is happening in my life], God is still on His throne. So even when I don’t know what is ahead I can rest in his sovereignty, cling to His character, and walk daily in obedience. I can stop seeking for direction or clarity and start seeking to live a life of abandon right where I am to the glory of God. I can find rest in who God is.
God has been abundantly good to me. I’ve been daily overwhelmed His grace as He teaches me to let go [completely] of my will and my plans and embrace Him – even if that means no plans and a life of confusion and unknowns. He is a greater Comfort even than the comfort of knowing. He is enough.
Here’s to hoping that somehow my story of fears and doubts will remind you of the infinite grace and abundant love of the Lord, that you may find rest in His perfect, glorious, sovereign, holy, worthy character.